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When did this happen?

I would love to know at what point I started building a wall to keep people from getting TOO close to me. I don't let my guard down and I think that gets me lots of 'friends' but not any close friends. Do I just want people to like me, and I don't think they will if they really know me? Or am I scared of losing them, which has always happened in the past, so I keep them at a distance? Whatever the reason, I'm fairly tired of it. I want a friend I can hang out with, without having to have a 'plan'. I want a friend I can talk on the phone to JUST BECAUSE. I want someone that enjoys just hanging out together doing nothing.

I love my husband. I love my kids. I love my friends. I just miss the days of having a really CLOSE friend. Who cares if they eventually move away! At least I would have that time with them. Is this situation an extension of being insulated in my own home? I work from home and rarely leave the house, so there is little opportunity to make new friends. I definately need to clear some things in my life to make things simpler.

Hmmm. I'm not really as depressed as this post made me sound. It's just something that has been on my mind lately.


( 10 thoughts — Whatcha' think? )
Jun. 22nd, 2005 04:57 am (UTC)
I know that feeling...I've been isolated to my own house since October 27th, 2004 when I was put on disability (Chronic daily headaches) by my work. I take care of our 6 month old but on days when she's fussy I have to get my step-mom to help. I lost a great deal of my long time friends by just growing apart and after leaving my job and dealing with the pain I have neither the time nor energy to make new ones.

I am a wall builder myself. I used to joke if everyone I knew got together and talked about me they might be able to get a complete picture but as it stood no one person could.

I wish you the best of luck with this...I'm sure sometime soon (now that you've realized this) either one of your current friends will reveal themselves as trustworthy for a better glimpse of you or someone new will swoop in and fill that void. I also wish you the best with your back.

Thank you for adding me to your friends list...out of curiosity where did you find me?
Jun. 22nd, 2005 01:26 pm (UTC)
It was actually quite bizarre. I was just bored and going through random interests, and we seemed to have a few things in common. You're a parent, you listed Bill Hicks, Pink Floyd, Douglas Adams, Invader Zim, photography and other things I like.

I meant to send you a message letting you know I had added you, but then I got tired and figured I would do it today. You beat me to the punch :)
Jun. 22nd, 2005 12:51 pm (UTC)
I've been feeling much the same way for a long, long time. It started long before I left Sun, but has intensified over the past year. I just finished ready a rather stupid, soppy book, but the setting of it was an almost Mayberry-esque small town where people got out and did things together, celebrated life's joys and comforted the sorrows. In our big, sprawling cities and suburbs, that sense of community is becoming increasingly difficult to find and nurture. Instead of a quick 5 or 10 minute jaunt to get to a friend's house or a park or a cafe, it's usually 20-30 minutes. And some of us aren't partial to being on the phone (it must be hereditary in my case). So, I'm not really sure how to change the isolation, and sometimes I'm not sure I even want to. Today, though, is one of the "I'm tired of being so alone so much" days. With that, off to work.
Jun. 22nd, 2005 01:30 pm (UTC)
Yes, Jill, I think I know what started the feeling now, similar to you reading that book. (And yeah, I always know it's you posting). When I took my mom home for a visit a few weekends ago, she spent the weekend with friends she has had since she was 7 years old. She's 70 now. I don't have a single friend from when I was 7. I only have a few left from when I was 17. Much of that could be attributed to me moving away, but other people move away from their home town and keep in touch.

Could it be because I don't have family, so I'm not used to keeping in touch regularly with other people? Who knows *shrug*
Jun. 23rd, 2005 01:32 am (UTC)
I don't have any friends around from when I was young, either. There is my best-bud from high school, but other than her, there aren't any people my age I ever see or *want* to see when I go home to Indiana to visit. Heck, there aren't even many people from college I ever keep in touch with at all, either, let alone at the "good friend" level. I guess I ought to be having a 25 (!) year H.S. reunion in a couple years. Might actually go just to see what people are up to. I recall the dad of one of my classmates remarking several years ago that Darla did well, she married a doctor. Go figure. I went to my 10 year reunion which mostly consisted of people talking about their kids. yeah, that's me alright! -- Jill
Jun. 23rd, 2005 01:59 am (UTC)
No wonder we get along when we are together. We're like two solitary people with similar interests, but noth have walls. *laugh*

I went to my 10 year and have my 20 year coming up. It's a bit bizarre because I changed schools my senior year. I don't know the people I have a reunion with that well, because I went to school with them kindergarten through 4th grade. I'm not invited, because I didn't graduate there, to the school with the people I was with from 5th grade through 11th. I would probably enjoy it more if I was with the people I 'grew up with'.
Jun. 22nd, 2005 01:37 pm (UTC)
I completely understand. I have many acquaintances and fun friends and thankfully a few close ones. My closest friend lives in Florida but that phone is an easy pick-up for us. Sometimes we chat about important stuff, sometimes about nothing more than silliness. Everytime we talk it is as if we talked yesterday. WE both maintain the attitude that the distance is simply miles and our friendship is still the close bond it always has been.

I wish and hope this for you. Don't worry about the friends moving away. A true friendship will thrive through distance, time and trials.

I think you are a fabulous person with a beautiful light and energy. You have a GREAT wit. I have often said to Wes that I wish we all lived closer to one another because you are such a joy to spend time with and I'd love to get to know your family more. You are welcome to pick up a phone and call me anytime - about anything or nothing at all.
Jun. 22nd, 2005 02:28 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Wendy. Yes, I do wish we lived closer, and that you and Wes could get to know the boys. You guys need to come visit Dallas one weekend! All you would have to worry about is getting down here and you'd have a place to stay and wouldn't need to worry about anything else.

My friend Tina, who Wes met when we went to dinner at Chef Green's that Friday, is someone who the time just melts away when we're together. Problem is, we don't talk except when I come visit. She would never come visit me (only part of that is a money thing), and because of some of our history, there is a distrust within the friendship. We still feel that closeness, but it only happens once a year and only because of action on my part.
Jun. 22nd, 2005 10:52 pm (UTC)
I told Vogon you had a neighbor moving away and he asked what school district you were in, but I think your neighborhood would be more than a five-minute drive from work (his reason for living in the complex we do now).

To answer your rhetorical question in another comment that you might not be used to keeping in touch regularly with other people because you don't have a large family: no. When I lived on the East Coast, I only called my parents maybe once a month and Himself didn't call any of his relatives at all. I talk to my family a lot now, but only because we all have free in-network cellular minutes and they know I'll answer if they call (90% of my sister's calls are "how do I do [x] on the computer?".
Jun. 22nd, 2005 11:39 pm (UTC)
Definately more than 5 minutes away, I'm sure. We're in far north Plano, near Frisco and Allen. We're in the Frisco school district. It's a great neighborhood, and we're finally getting built up where you hardly need to leave the area, but it's still far from everything in Dallas or even Far North Dallas. :) But there are a lot of houses available and still at good prices.

( 10 thoughts — Whatcha' think? )