This will probably be all one paragraph because I'm just going to let it flow.
I've just reached a point of not being able to function without yelling or crying. Things have just piled up and I'm beginning to get all stressed. I can't say much without sounding all 'woe is me'. Scott is gone so much, but I can't say how bad that makes me feel because I know he can't help it. I know he would like to have a job with less travel, but that doesn't change the fact that I really dislike him being gone all week every week and me having to handle everything by myself. I take the kids to school and pick them up. I take them to all doctor appointments. I work 40-50 hours a week at my 'regular' job. I WORK TOO! Add to that the jewelry business which I have just let SLUMP lately, and the thankfully almost completed school. He isn't the only one that works in order to get money and whose work is important. Yet I have to take off from work a LOT to take care of the kids. I wish Matthew were perfect, but we're trying. We seem to get sent from one doctor to another. It never ends. Thankfully, we MIGHT have his reflux at a manageable level, but still have other issues we're trying to figure out. Yes, he has reflux, and I know he should eat nothing but wholesome, homecooked meals. I should be giving him skinless chicken breast, with only egg whites, fresh fruits, certain vegetables and I know what I'm supposed to avoid. Guess what? I'm very packed on time, really stressed, really tired and still try very hard. But yes - they get fast food WAY too often. I buy pre-packaged food because I don't have the time to cook three times a day. But I don't need my mom providing me with a guilt trip, which she is so good at.
When I said how happy I was with the results from Matthew's latest probe, she said things would be better if we didn't feed him so much spicy food. I asked what, and she mentioned tacos. I asked how often she sees him eat tacos, and she said 'All the time'. We eat Mexican a lot (we're in TEXAS!) but Matthew usually has cheese and a tortilla. He takes just about everything off when he eats a taco and eats the shell/tortilla. This happens 2-3 times a month. You would think we feed him nothing but tacos and pizza! They eat poorly. I KNOW IT! Don't make me fucking feel even worse about it. You might have NOTHING to do in your life but spend 3 hours a day with my kids and have all the time to sit around in your apartment and read and you STILL eat fast food 6 or more times a week. WHERE DO YOU THINK I GOT IT???? If I was raised on nothing but fast food never seeing things cooked, you have no right to turn it back on me.
I'm just tired. I want someone else to take care of me for a change. I want someone to help with the kids. I want someone to let me talk without expecting a solution - just let me vent and don't turn it back on me. My back is going bad again, and I have to take too may pills. They make me short-tempered, but without them it just hurts too much. I got a ticket the other day because the registration on my car was expired (they never mailed it to me and I kept putting off taking 3 hours off work to go get a new one) and so is my inspection. So, now I have to take the three hours off, pay extra AND take more time to go to the courthouse. WHEN?
I'm in this house all the time. I work from home. Then I have the kids by myself, so to go anywhere I have to take two four-year-olds. I don't know how single moms do it. I can't find the motivation to work out anymore, so I feel like I look like shit - even though I know it's not as bad as my perception.
I really can't take this anymore. I can't be Holly Homemaker. I can't be compared to the stay-at-home moms who cook all of their kids food, take them on elaborate outings, keep the house spotless, spend wholesome 'educational' time with them, are happy all the time, wait for their husbands to get home from work and take care of them! I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE!
Do I get a thank you? NO.
I want my mom to stop with the guilt-trips, nitpicking and passive-agressive fucking behaviour she's spent the last 35 years doing to me.
I want my husband to help out a little more. Without being asked. And to let me talk sometimes without expecting him to 'make it all better'.
I want Matthew to feel better, but at the same time I want him to stop behaving like a wild child. He needs to get potty trained and I'm tired of cleaning up his 'accidents'
I want a friend I can talk to - in good times and in bad. One who calls on the telephone without needing something. Just to talk. One that when I feel like this, I know I could call them without them feeling put out.
I want less STUFF going on in my life. I've almost got school out of the way, thankfully. That's one thing down at least.
I want a raise and some appreciation at work. I do 25 times what I did five years ago and I still make the same damn amount of money with only a 3% raise they gave EVERYONE. Promotions and raises are something always promised, but we aren't making our numbers, or we're in a freeze, or we'll talk about it later, or there are others who have been waiting longer. I'm ready to just tell them that if they won't do either the promotion or the raise, then I'm not going to do the work of someone two grades ahead of me. I've been doing it for YEARS in hopes it would pay off and it just has me at the breaking point.
I want to sleep. Just quiet sleep without my husband snoring, my kids yelling bright and early, or the need to get up and work.
I want to mean enough to someone that they would travel JUST TO SEE ME
I want my brother to actually be my brother. Talk to me more than once every year or so. Meet your nephews. They're four. You stayed away for 13 fucking years and I have no family except for a mom that you hated too. Everyone needs family and I don't have any.
I want to feel like it's not all for nothing and that it means something.
I want a new spine. One that doesn't require pain killers and anti-inflammatories for the rest of my life.
I know soon I'll feel much better and feel like superwoman again, but damn it all, I can't take it today.
*EDIT* Hubby isn't TOTALLY oblivious. At five he bundled the kids up and said he was taking them out to 'give mom a night off'. He said they'll be back around bedtime, hopefully totally tired so we won't have an hour of "MOOOOOMMMMMM!!!! MOOOOOMMMMM!"