trshtwns01 (trshtwns01) wrote,

When will it stop?

Ok, at first glance this will probably seem contradictory to my
last post, where I professed how much I loved my husband. It isn't.
I still very much do - this is a rant about the situation, not the
person. Big difference.

I've just gotten to feel so overwhelmed since Scott's been out of
work. Most of the time, I have this SuperWoman complex and take on
everything I possibly can. Sometimes, however, it just washes over
me like a wave and comes crashing down. That happened this afternoon.

I forgot the Mother's Day tea at Michael and Matthew's school
today. They had to get cookies and drinks and sit off to the
side while the rest of the kids had snacks with their moms and
presented them with the gifts they had spent several weeks
creating. Ok, sometimes you forget things. It happens. It just
brings up all of the things that make it all feel like too much.

I understand that Scott is depressed from being out of work since
September. It's the big white elephant in the room. We can't talk
about it. I don't feel like I can say that it is affecting me
negatively, because it's affecting him MORE negatively. To keep
himself occupied, he has thrown himself into running a game server
and coding new areas for the game. He gets up in the morning and
goes upstairs to his office. He spends 8+ hours a day in his office
working on the game and looking at girls. Yes, he has interviews
and sends off his resume. But most of the time is that damn game.

Meanwhile, I take the kids to school every day, pick them up every
day, work a full time job, am in school full time, clean the house,
do the laundry, do the dishes most of the time, buy all the
groceries, get all of our meals, and all of this while most of
the time I just feel like curling up on the couch because my back
hurts so much.

Every time it comes to a head and we talk about it, he offers to
do more. To take the kids to school sometimes and do more around
the house. And he does for a few days. Then it gets to where I have
to ASK for it to happen. Honestly, if I have to ASK for it to
happen you aren't really helping me out. I'm just nagging you.
The kids came up after school and asked to go to the park. He
couldn't do it because he hadn't showered. Well, why not? You've
been sitting there since 9 this morning. You said no to your kids
and stayed up in the office playing that game because you haven't
bothered to shower.

PLEASE HELP ME THE FUCK OUT HERE! I can't do all of this by
myself. I just can't.

Ok, rant off now. No sympathy, I just had to get it out instead
of just crying in a room and screaming it into a pillow :)
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