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When will it stop?

Ok, at first glance this will probably seem contradictory to my
last post, where I professed how much I loved my husband. It isn't.
I still very much do - this is a rant about the situation, not the
person. Big difference.

I've just gotten to feel so overwhelmed since Scott's been out of
work. Most of the time, I have this SuperWoman complex and take on
everything I possibly can. Sometimes, however, it just washes over
me like a wave and comes crashing down. That happened this afternoon.

I forgot the Mother's Day tea at Michael and Matthew's school
today. They had to get cookies and drinks and sit off to the
side while the rest of the kids had snacks with their moms and
presented them with the gifts they had spent several weeks
creating. Ok, sometimes you forget things. It happens. It just
brings up all of the things that make it all feel like too much.

I understand that Scott is depressed from being out of work since
September. It's the big white elephant in the room. We can't talk
about it. I don't feel like I can say that it is affecting me
negatively, because it's affecting him MORE negatively. To keep
himself occupied, he has thrown himself into running a game server
and coding new areas for the game. He gets up in the morning and
goes upstairs to his office. He spends 8+ hours a day in his office
working on the game and looking at girls. Yes, he has interviews
and sends off his resume. But most of the time is that damn game.

Meanwhile, I take the kids to school every day, pick them up every
day, work a full time job, am in school full time, clean the house,
do the laundry, do the dishes most of the time, buy all the
groceries, get all of our meals, and all of this while most of
the time I just feel like curling up on the couch because my back
hurts so much.

Every time it comes to a head and we talk about it, he offers to
do more. To take the kids to school sometimes and do more around
the house. And he does for a few days. Then it gets to where I have
to ASK for it to happen. Honestly, if I have to ASK for it to
happen you aren't really helping me out. I'm just nagging you.
The kids came up after school and asked to go to the park. He
couldn't do it because he hadn't showered. Well, why not? You've
been sitting there since 9 this morning. You said no to your kids
and stayed up in the office playing that game because you haven't
bothered to shower.

PLEASE HELP ME THE FUCK OUT HERE! I can't do all of this by
myself. I just can't.

Ok, rant off now. No sympathy, I just had to get it out instead
of just crying in a room and screaming it into a pillow :)


( 12 thoughts — Whatcha' think? )
May. 7th, 2004 08:22 pm (UTC)
*Big Hug*
May. 7th, 2004 10:28 pm (UTC)
Thanks. I had about an hour of absolute anger
and despair. Then I went to Kohl's for a little
while and did some shopping :) I'm still mad,
but it's just inside eating away at me instead
of being openly displayed *laugh*
May. 10th, 2004 12:55 pm (UTC)
I do that too. I try not to, but sometimes bringing up what is pissing me off seems so futile.
May. 7th, 2004 11:05 pm (UTC)
is he willing to get antidepressants of see a councelor? Sounds to me like the problem might be emotional.
May. 7th, 2004 11:08 pm (UTC)
Our doc offered it when we were in last time (yes,
we occasionally book joint doctor's appointments)
and he said he didn't need them at the time - he
needed a job and that would take care of it. I
think he keeps looking at it as 'short term', but
eight months...not so 'short term' to me anymore :)
His mom is a substance abuse counselor, so I think
he rebels against anything he considers 'mental'.
Doesn't help that he has a mental wife. Really!
May. 8th, 2004 05:53 pm (UTC)
He needs antidepressannts to help him be productive to find a job, and then when the job lifts his spirits he can quit the antidepressants!
My exhubby was the same when we were married, always refused help in that department. Its not a good thing. Especially for the one holding it all together. (wife)
May. 8th, 2004 04:54 pm (UTC)
routines blow
getting into -any- routine can be a death spiral. i was out of work (metro Los Angeles, a lonnng time ago) and remember that once you begin, uh, what is it the physicists say:

an opposite and equal reaction ...

is needed to move things in the other direction. in my case, the unemployment ran out and i stopped paying for "non-essentials" (things like car insurance) while remembering to keep the roof over my head. it is very easy to get and then stay depressed. eventually, i snapped out of it and got another high-tech job. then, 6 months later i was RIF'd again. but then, fate smiled and i began a nearly 15 year stint (doing lots of different things, for the same company).

if all else fails, stock up on permanent markers and cardboard @ Kohl's, and stake out a sturdy bridge. and if that fails, you and the family are welcome to camp in my carport.

-gb (a really swell guy, huh?)
May. 8th, 2004 05:07 pm (UTC)
Re: routines blow
fwiw, i created a livejournal account, mainly so i wouldn't appear as (gasp!) "anonymous" like in my last post. i don't expect to use it a lot, but ..

never say never.

May. 8th, 2004 07:29 pm (UTC)
Re: routines blow
BEAUTIFUL picture, Gene Bob. :)

You can use your lj account to keep up with
me on those long 1-2 week periods when we
don't see each other for lunch. I know you wait
with baited breath to hear what's been going
on in my life. *laugh*
May. 9th, 2004 01:45 am (UTC)
Re: routines blow
I shall dutifully check your blog every hour, on the hour, 24x7. I shall live vicariously through your fascinating insights on suburbia. The item about the garage sales and the dolls (er, action figures) was riveting, and gave my life meaning beyond my wildest dreams.

It's nice living closer to town; today I moseyed down to Artists Square and took in the Asian Festival (many booths with things from faraway lands, along with the obligatory Dallas Police Recruiters, singers & dancers & fashion shows and (drum roll) a whole buncha koi). I'll muse more on my own blog tomorrow, probably.

May. 9th, 2004 02:31 am (UTC)
Re: routines blow
I'm so sure you will :)

Hey, sounds like it was a cool festival. There
is always something going on downtown, it seems.
I was reading something in the Observer about
a new dog park they opened UNDER 75 in Deep
Ellum to handle all of the people who have moved
into that area.
May. 9th, 2004 02:48 am (UTC)
Re: routines blow
when I left Artists Square today, I moseyed into Deep Ellum to see what it looked like during daylight hours. Snapped a few photos (as usual) .. amazing how much stuff (including AVI movies) you can cram onto a 256 MB storage card.

A dog park under 75-Central? Hmm. Beta (the wonder dog) enjoys travelling, but you may recall that she's not the sharpest taco in the drawer. She repeated The Ostrich Encounter (Fossil Rim) where I tried to raise the car window, only to have visions of a decapitated critter make me STOP!! Good thing I have hair-trigger reflexes, huh?
( 12 thoughts — Whatcha' think? )