The 'experts' say you don't form lasting memories until you are 4 or 5 years old. I lost you when I was 5. November 23, 1975. I have a few memories of you, but I don't really know if they are real or things my mind has pieced together from pictures and what other people have told me. Most are only flashes.
I wish I had gotten to know your laugh. You always seem to be laughing or smiling in all of the pictures and movies of you. Everyone tells me what a joker you were, and what a wonderful sense of humor (albeit a dry one) you had. We like a lot of the same movies. I was never more surprised then when I found out you like 'A Clockwork Orange' when it came out!
People tell me I get my intelligence and my drive from you. At first, that taught me to do whatever I needed to in order to make it. I taught myself everything I needed to know, and learned from experience. Then I realized how much you were held back in your life because you did not have a degree. That drove me to go back to school to get one. I wish you were around to see how much I have accomplished.
I wish you had gotten to meet Scott. I know you see him and are probably proud, but I wish you were still here to be a part of our lives. I get told that Scott is like you in many ways. Very technical, smart, anti-social in many ways but the life of the party in others, loves a good time and is quite a joker. He makes me very happy and loves me very much. He's tall, and packing a bit extra, just like you did :) I often wonder how much the characteristics of you were a factor in the person I fell in love with? I know you two would have gotten along. I would have liked nothing better than to have you give me away at our wedding. Mom did a fine job of it, but we definately felt your presense.
I very much wish you could have been around to meet your grandsons. They are two very beautiful and wonderful boys. I tell them about you, and that you are in heaven watching out for them. I hope they grow to see you as their guardian angel the same way you have always been for me.
Mostly, I wish I could give you one final hug. The arms of a five year old who didn't really understand that daddy wouldn't be coming home do not have the capacity for communicating the emotions that should have come along with that. The hug would be never ending. In my mind, I give you that hug every time I think of you. I hope you are doing the same.
I miss you so much. This November will be 30 years of my life without my father. Six times the amount of living we actually had together. I know there are reasons for everything, no matter how sad they make us. The things that happen to us in life are what mold us into who we become. I know that, but I still have these wishes.
I love you still.