trshtwns01 (trshtwns01) wrote,

Feeling the blues

I've been feeling a bit blue lately, and the problem with that is how I start spending money freely. Last night, the boys and I went to find a clothesline for the garage sale. We left the store with everything BUT a clothesline. I got lightbulbs for their room that change colors. I got a couple of gallons of paint to do our bathrooms. In the downstairs bath (not the master bath) I am moving away from the Scooby-Doo theme and going more adult. We got a new shower curtain that is green with rust in it, rust colored bath mats, tan paint and a border that is tan, rust and green.

WHY????? Why do I think that doing things like this and spending money will make me feel better? Why is there a manic spend like I am chasing something I can never catch?

Now that I have all of this, I need to get going with some painting. I moved everything out of their bathroom last night and taped it off. Maybe later, after my doctor appointment, I'll put the first coat of paint on, except for part of the wall the boys can help paint.

I have to leave shortly for my pre-op appointment with the reconstructive surgeon. Noticed I haven't posted much about my upcoming surgery? It's because I'm terrified. I was never worried about surgery before my last one. I know everything will turn out ok, though, and I'm really looking forward to having a matched rack *laugh*

Now, if it was so simple to get rid of this lingering headache and depression.

I do have one big concern right now - Matthew. We all want our kids to be the most perfect, smartest kids possible. I know that Matthew has some challenges that Michael doesn't. However, what I don't know is whether Michael is just advanced or if Matthew perhaps has something more than his ADHD working against him. We keep getting bad reports at school, it takes me riding him like a drill sargeant to get him going in the mornings, I have to practically walk him through every step of everything he does. If I give him a single direction, like 'go get your socks', he won't come back. I go to find him and he'll be in the middle of the floor playing with something. Last night, I heard crashing and when I went into the room he was butt-naked on the top bunk, with headphones on, throwing his books down to the floor. He goes into his own little world sometimes and just tunes out. He also tends to play a little 'younger' than his years - repeating words he thinks are funny, not understanding bounderies that annoy people, going into his 'silly puppy' routine he hides behind. All kinds of things that worry me and annoy me at the same time.

Problem is - I don't know whether this is normal, or just low-end normal, behavior or something that I should worry about. I get so frustrated and end up yelling sometimes. After the 50th time you've said 'put on your socks, please', you just can't help it! I would feel absolutely horrible if I was yelling at him for something he can't help. I also hope I'm not making things worse by pushing him, especially when I say things like "I KNOW you can do this.". On the other side, I don't want to let him slide, or give him any slack, because he has problems with things. I don't think his ADHD should be an excuse, and I expect just as much out of him as I do anyone else.

I have an appointment with the psychiatrist on Thursday, so I can talk to him about all of this. I didn't mean to post anything other than a short update, but this issue with Matthew has been weighing on me so much. Even Michael seems to be experiencing it. I've noticed, as has my mom, that Michael is acting like the older brother to Matthew. He looks out for him and even humors him sometimes. Matthew was running around playing and being goofy while Michael was trying to watch Eragon. Matthew wanted to go outside to play, but I told him I couldn't let him go if I wasn't someplace in the house I could see him. Michael paused the movie, looked at Matthew and said "Brother, I can pause the movie and when we come back it will be exactly where we were. That means I can go outside and play with you for a little while. Ok?". Matthew responded with "You make me so happy, Michael!". Michael comes back with "I know. I know. I love you so much.".

Sweet exchange, but do you see the problem here? We shouldn't have one five-year-old acting like the adult who is placating the other five-year-old. I just want Michael to be able to enjoy his life without feeling like his brother's keeper, and I want Matthew to feel like he can do anything he wants. He tells me that he 'can't' do something until I push and push for him to do it. I got totally worried the other day, and talked to his teacher, when out of the blue, Matthew told me that people in his class call him dumb. I almost cried.

Ok, I've written a novel, I'm just getting myself upset again and I need to head downtown for my appointment. Bleh.
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