December 28th, 2006


State of the mind address

I'm at an in between state, where in some ways I feel human again and in others I still feel overwhelmed.

I have on one of my post-mastectomy camisoles, with a breast form on the right. It isn't as shocking to me as my regular post-surgery bra, because when I glance down, I am not taken aback by the 'absence' on my right side. The only weird thing is that when I am reclining, it kind of floats around and I end up with a fake breast under my arm or up around my neck *laugh*.

I have decided that when I get rid of these drains I will feel better about my appearance. They ring me like a spare tire, and there are five left. One is at a level where they could remove it, and I'm hoping at least one more gets that way in the next day or so.

I can objectively look at my body, and see that it will be nice once everything is healed. The doctor has also told me he wants to do the other reconstruction in March. 3 days in the hospital if all goes well and 2-3 weeks off work. It would be so nice to have all of that over with.

Sleep takes up a good portion of my day. My TIVO has forsaken me, though, so even when I am awake there isn't much to do. I'm reading some, and I think that soon I'll have the arm strength back to crochet some more.

About the TIVO - it's pissing me off. It doesn't have anything in the future guide to record. For example, if I try to tell it to show me ALL shows with a given letter, it might show two. This is when you KNOW there are generally dozens. I can scroll through ALL of the shows it says I can choose from to record in about 10 screens. That's A-Z. WRONG! If you look at the to do list, it says it is recording two shows on 1/5 and that is ALL it has scheduled to record. Since it doesn't find anything in the listings, I can't even tell it to record something.

The other sad thing is that the PS3 Scott got is upstairs. I can't go upstairs yet!!! *laugh* I haven't gotten to play it, but I'm looking forward to it later.

Ok, sleepy time, but after my last pity-party post, I wanted to get down some thoughts while I was actually feeling somewhat normal. Minimal pain, optimistic outlook on my body, random boredom.

OH! I also got a shipment of t-shirts today:
- Lost my boobs, not my sense of humor (with pink ribbon)
- I'm still hot, it just comes in flashes now
- For Matthew: I have ADHD. Don't let me get hyperfocused on you (or something to that effect)
- An 'Obey the Cairn' sticker for Scott
- A 'Real Women can break more than a nail' Tae Kwon Do sticker for me

On the way:
- A t-shirt genebob found for me that says (front) "Who needs big tits" (back) "With an ass like this"

Not shipped yet:
- Lost my boobs, not my sense of humor button and bigger 'relaxed' t-shirt (as opposed to fitted)
- BRCA2 t-shirt