December 18th, 2006

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strange 'dreams'

I don't know if you would calls these dreams, because I am awake for the short ones. They are really vivid and slightly out of place.

- I redreamed an entire dream from about 12 years ago. In it I saw people I knew at the time and knew their full names, although before coming to the hospital I couldn't have told you who they were anymore. This was an amazing dream, just like the first one, and contained every detail. The only change was at the ending, when the friend tells me he knows this isn't the real dream but that I 'needed it' right now

- I dreamed a long and fanciful dream about a friend of ours and some new things he had built out back. I washed another friend's car and several people were running around naked. We lived in a house about a block awsy, and to get home, I had to pass this singing REALLY butch lesbian who was nice to me.

- Since I know that my friend doesn't have all of these things, I somehow went back into that dream sequence later and none of it was there. However, when I started asking questions about it, it was something he was in the planning phases of. I was very upset that it freaked them out, so I tried to run home. The singing lesbian was still there, but this time she beat the ever living shit out of me. (I think this turn may have happened around the time the surgical incision pump in my belly ran out of meds and I started really hurting)

- I can just close my eyes to see and hear people in the room. These aren't real people, that I know of, but are very detailed and real. There is always something off, like they do some sort of inappropriate action or say something they shouldn't say in front of me. If I open my eyes, everything is gone, but closing them again brings it all back.

- Finally, we were living at some sort of animal reserve. A friend of ours came by with her two large dogs on leashes. Their skin was rotting away in places, and although she said they were very nice to other people, they were repeatedly attacking me. We had a really hard time getting them out of there, or getting me away from them. I KNOW this had to be a pain dream, because that is the only thing that fits.

I hope they get the Pik line in place sometime soon so I can go back to IV meds and maybe cut down on my pain level. Scott should be here later this afternoon after he picks up the kids from school and drops them at home. YAY! It makes me happy to have him here even though I am not the best company right now.

The doctor also told nutrition I can have a 'real' breakfast, something like eggs and pancakes because they are still soft and it would be a change for me. Chick took my tray a couple of hours ago, but never came back.
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Giddy with Christmas news

The plastic surgeon was in today taking a look at things. While there hasn't been any improvement in the right breast, it hasn't died off yet. He sat and poked and prodded it for what seemed like forever. He said he probably wanted to wait a week or so before giving up on this tissue. SSOOOOOO...they may send me home Thursday morning and have me back the following week at his office. The tissue will either be getting better or dying. If it is dying, then we'll schedule the surgery for that week and only stay a day or so getting an expander it, and then return in 3-4 months to attempt reconstruction again. He's just not ready to give up on that tissue since it hasn't necrotized yet :) That's GOOD NEWS! If I could jump, I would. Instead I will enjoy a walk over to the bathroom. *laugh* Did I say enjoy?
Days attack at once

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Give me a break! Throw me a fucking bone here. I get good news that I might get to go home for Christmas, then come back after for any following surgeries.

Then Scott told me he was feeling sick, so he might not be out here until time to check out.

THEN they came to pick up my dinner tray. I think this is the same wonder-brain that rolled her tray right over my catheter and tried just yanking it free. This time, she got my IV line caught up in the bed with a kink in it. I called the nurses' station and kept silencing it. It stops it for about 10 seconds, then it comes back on. After doing that about 20 times, I decided I was going to go out there and get someone to shut it off. I stood up and one of the drains that keeps filling up practically explodes all over me. I had blood and fluids literally POURING out of one pants leg. Still, nobody coming. I walked down the hall to the nurses' station to see FOUR people, one of them my nurse, moving around and laughing.

I know they have been busy, and I can't begrudge them a good laugh a week before Christmas, but DAMN IT ALL TO HELL! There is blood on me, my clothes, my floor, my bed, etc. They brought me back in and reset the alarm and I swear she was just going to turn around and leave until I said I would like some towels to clean myself up and a fresh gown. I wasn't about to go cleaning my own floors, either.

Yeah, they need to get me out of here before I go crazy.

45 more minutes until the next dose of morphine. Now that I have an IV line again.