April 17th, 2006

Days attack at once

Not the best day

So, I mentioned that they cancelled mom's surgery because of acute anemia and a belief that she has internal bleeding somewhere. Today, we went to the GI doctor. He took some blood and scheduled her for a colonoscopy and endoscopy on Wednesday. We went to see my doctor, because I know he's really good, so I hope he can find a cause quickly. He also took blood, in case we need to do a transfusion. I so hope they figure something out soon. This is killing me.

I'm so worried about her, but on the other hand, after 6 or 7 weeks of being her caregiver, I am VERY DRAINED. I just want a break. Unfortunately, the way I try to get breaks is by going out shopping for things I don't need.

I'm thinking really horrible thoughts. I love my mom and know I don't really mean them, but they still come unbidden, almost like a nightmare. Sometimes, I dream that she just quickly dies instead of what will probably be years of complications from diabetes, high blood pressure, strokes, dementia, arthritis, and all of her other ailments. Those are bad thoughts, which tell me I need a break.

I'm tired. I'm really tired.

Now I've got to go make dinner for everyone. And medicate everyone. And get everyone off to bed. And then eat more sweets because I currently don't have the willpower to resist, so I'll end up gaining a ton of weight. Maybe after everyone is asleep I can watch TV and work on puzzles.

Much suckage today. I know I took my Zoloft and Klonopin this morning, but you wouldn't know it.