May 18th, 2004


Today is the day...

Today is the day that my organization will find out whose 'role and function will be affected by
restructuring'. In other words, we find out today whether or not we get to keep our jobs. I have a one-on-one scheduled with my manager at 4 pm central today to find out my fate. I've survived at least three rounds of layoffs so far. I've been naseaus since late last night, but am afraid to take a phenergen or anything for fear it will make me sleepy or groggy. If our group was NOT
being affected by layoffs, our manager would have just told us on a group call that we were all safe. Since we are having one-on-one meetings today, most of them in person in California, I know that somebody in our group, if not multiple people, will be let go.

In much of my life, I am totally unsure of myself. I've always had a bit of a self-esteem issue.
Am I a good parent? Do I look good enough? Why am I not in better shape? Why don't I have better self-control? Do people like me? To compensate for those issues, I overreach in my personal
life. I take on too much and try too hard.

But in business... well, I love my work and I know I do it well. I work hard, I get things done,
I have the ability to straddle the technical and business worlds, I see most sides of an issue,
and I do very good work. Perhaps that is why it scares me so much to think that it could be
gone. I'm praying that this is just another scare, and I will make it through like the other times. That doesn't make it any less stressful.

One good friend was let go already in this round of layoffs. Another tendered her resignation.
My husband has been out of work for 8 months now. Yesterday, we started planning our
unemployment commune :) Jill-Bob has a bit of land
with horses, so we will all live out there. We'll plant our own vegetables, get a milk cow,
homeschool the children (who will run around naked and dirty), make our own clothes and live off
the land. Gene-Bob had a dream about me in an inflatable chicken suit last night (????????!!!!!!??????) so I guess my role is clear. *laugh*

Off I go to try do get some work done and remain calm.
  • Current Mood
    scared scared


Ok, I have a job. That's all I can say for now. I'm going
to take something so I don't throw up and take a nap.
then I will take a nap for a while. (Oh, you dangling participles)