trshtwns01 (trshtwns01) wrote,

Collapse - Cancer stuff

What a horribly busy day - and it isn't even halfway over.

I had to drop mom off at the hospital, drop Michael off at summer camp, Matthew and I had appointments with our 'talking doctor' (that's what Matthew calls our psychiatrist), then I had to take Matthew to summer camp, go join mom at her doctor's appointment, drive her home to McKinney and pick up lunch on the way home. Soon I have to pick the kids up from school and we've got to look at some used sparring equipment.

While at the psychiatrist's office, I broke down on him. We started talking about cancer, the results of my genetic testing, waiting on mom's testing, waiting on my colorectal cancer genetic testing, second opinions, possible plans, all sorts of things. I broke down in tears. He had a good analogy - it's like a sword hanging over my head all of the time. Problem is, I can't live the rest of my life waiting for the sword to fall. I can't just sit around WAITING to get cancer. However, I can't make any rash decisions. I need to get all of this other information, and then a second opinion, before I decide on anything. So I'm in limbo. In two weeks I also have to get the CA125 and an ultrasound to check on Ovarian cancer (for my one, lonely ovary) since that is related to the BRCA2 gene mutations as well.

I think the main problem is that in my mind I have a plan. Problem? My husband doesn't agree with it. He says that they don't know enough about the particular mutation I have to definitively say I will get cancer, and that even with an 85% chance, that is a 15% chance that nothing will happen. Why get such an invasive procedure (prophylactic mastectomy and immediate reconstruction) for only a chance that something will happen. I'm on the other side that the odds are against me, yet I can put the odds back in my favor rather than spending the rest of my days wondering when it will happen and will we catch it in time.

You know what? I don't WANT to go have mammograms every six months and CA125 tests and sonograms every six months and always stress waiting on the results. I don't want to wait and see if I'm the one they catch early or the one they dismiss as dense breast tissue until it is too late. Everyone seems to think that my breasts and my remaining ovary will be some great SHOCK to my system to lose. They just aren't that important in the larger scheme of things.

Seeing my kids graduate and go on to college. Seeing them marry and have kids of their own, or not. Seeing them develop into adults. Growing old with my husband. Not being too sick to enjoy life with my family.

THOSE are the important things to me. This is just non-essential flesh to those goals.

Yes, it's major surgery - but I would do that to make a 15% chance of NOT getting something into a 10% of getting it.

Tags: brca
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