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Not the best day

So, I mentioned that they cancelled mom's surgery because of acute anemia and a belief that she has internal bleeding somewhere. Today, we went to the GI doctor. He took some blood and scheduled her for a colonoscopy and endoscopy on Wednesday. We went to see my doctor, because I know he's really good, so I hope he can find a cause quickly. He also took blood, in case we need to do a transfusion. I so hope they figure something out soon. This is killing me.

I'm so worried about her, but on the other hand, after 6 or 7 weeks of being her caregiver, I am VERY DRAINED. I just want a break. Unfortunately, the way I try to get breaks is by going out shopping for things I don't need.

I'm thinking really horrible thoughts. I love my mom and know I don't really mean them, but they still come unbidden, almost like a nightmare. Sometimes, I dream that she just quickly dies instead of what will probably be years of complications from diabetes, high blood pressure, strokes, dementia, arthritis, and all of her other ailments. Those are bad thoughts, which tell me I need a break.

I'm tired. I'm really tired.

Now I've got to go make dinner for everyone. And medicate everyone. And get everyone off to bed. And then eat more sweets because I currently don't have the willpower to resist, so I'll end up gaining a ton of weight. Maybe after everyone is asleep I can watch TV and work on puzzles.

Much suckage today. I know I took my Zoloft and Klonopin this morning, but you wouldn't know it.

Comments

darkjenna
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:02 pm (UTC)
(((hugs)))

Hang in there. Just the whole caregiving process is so draining that it's no wonder you feel the way you do. Don't feel bad about having those thoughts. I did the same thing with my brother when he was at his worse. I was living with them at the time. It's not because you don't love her. It's just that you need time for you. Hang in there. Keeping you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers.
trshtwns01
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Kim. I saw you were having your own family difficulties when it comes to caregiving. Thankfully (although NOT so good in most cases), I am all my mother has, so there won't be any infighting, and she doesn't OWN anything or have any money, so it's not like I can take her for it :)
darkjenna
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:30 pm (UTC)
If it wasn't for the fact my aunt has a need to be the center of attention and is purposely starting things, I doubt it would have came down the way it did. I held my tongue for about a year and finally lashed out. Your situation is a bit different so I don't expect the same will happen. Either way, I know how you feel. So don't beat yourself up for it. :)