On the midway, I took the boys towards games where kids were guaranteed to win something. We did the one where you tossed ping pong balls into bowls, hoping to get in a red, blue or yellow one, instead of a white one. They both won cloth covered blowup balls - one baseball and one soccer ball. Then they did the game where you throw darts at balloons. Michael did great, popping FOUR balloons with three darts. They let Matthew do about 15 darts, and he finally got one balloon. The guy game them both one small stuffed mouse, and one medium-sized bee.
Scott went up into the BIG ferris wheel and said the boys LOVED it. I used the chance to sit down and rest my back. We were a pair with my back and Scott's foot. We both carried pain killers in case we needed them *laugh*. When they were up in the ferris wheel, the boys picked out what other rides they wanted. They did the fun house, which is always a RIOT to watch four year olds do. Then they did the big slide - it's like a couple of stories tall, if not more. Finally, they did a small roller coaster, and enjoyed the HELL out of it. They were screaming and laughing! They didn't want to leave, but they were SOOOO tired. The crashed as soon as we got home.
When I went to the psychologist this morning, we had a great talk. He talked about how we all have about six personalities in us - not Sybil or anything, just distinct personas.
- The free child - This is the part of us that enjoys things with absolute abandon
- The rebellious child - This one does not like to be told what they can't have
- The adaptive child - This part of us wants to fit in and tries to please
- The critical parent - You SHOULD do this, you MUST do that to be 'right'
- Ummm, forgot this parent one
- Adult - Just the facts, no emotions.
We decided I spend way too much time in the adaptive child persona because of my anxiety disorder, with bouts of critical parent and adult. He wanted me to 'get in touch with my inner child' *laugh* and things would be better for me. I told him that I thought it was crap to expect that someone with actual hormonal problems and an anxiety disorder could just 'make it better' by wishing it away, that if it was something I had control over I would have dealt with it years ago. He backed off and said that he didn't mean 'it was all in my mind', just that it needed to be approached from both directions. I agreed to try to listen to what I really wanted inside and enjoy my life more without always thinking of what others think or want from me. We'll see.
Towards the end of the session, he said that because my anxiety meds had always been controlled by my general practitioner (who are usually very hesistant when it comes to things like that) and because of what he termed some 'obsessive behavior' on my part, he wants to bring a psychiatrist into the picture. This will let us be more aggressive in treatment and maybe get more results. Oh, the obsessive behavior he was talking about was how 'driven' I am, taking on 400 things at a time and expecting to be PERFECT at them, my mind not being able to shut off, over-analyzing situations, pulling skin from my lips, biting the inside of my cheeks, and now hair from my legs. I just feel another meltdown coming on, and I spend nights without really sleeping, then crash for a long time, sleeping all night and napping during the day. My anxiety is ramping up again, and I just want the world to slow down so I have time to get things done AND enjoy life.
I can't be the perfect wife, mother, employee, manager, housekeeper, and friend all of the time. Welcome to my adaptive child.
EDIT: The one I had forgotten was 'Nurturing Parent'. Also, I realized when I reread the sentence in the next to the last paragraph, about my obsessive behaviors, that it sounded like I was biting the inside of my cheek, and was now biting the hair off my legs *laugh*. No - plucking the hair on the legs with tweezers. Not my teeth :) I'm crazy, but not a contortionist.