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Not the best day

So, I mentioned that they cancelled mom's surgery because of acute anemia and a belief that she has internal bleeding somewhere. Today, we went to the GI doctor. He took some blood and scheduled her for a colonoscopy and endoscopy on Wednesday. We went to see my doctor, because I know he's really good, so I hope he can find a cause quickly. He also took blood, in case we need to do a transfusion. I so hope they figure something out soon. This is killing me.

I'm so worried about her, but on the other hand, after 6 or 7 weeks of being her caregiver, I am VERY DRAINED. I just want a break. Unfortunately, the way I try to get breaks is by going out shopping for things I don't need.

I'm thinking really horrible thoughts. I love my mom and know I don't really mean them, but they still come unbidden, almost like a nightmare. Sometimes, I dream that she just quickly dies instead of what will probably be years of complications from diabetes, high blood pressure, strokes, dementia, arthritis, and all of her other ailments. Those are bad thoughts, which tell me I need a break.

I'm tired. I'm really tired.

Now I've got to go make dinner for everyone. And medicate everyone. And get everyone off to bed. And then eat more sweets because I currently don't have the willpower to resist, so I'll end up gaining a ton of weight. Maybe after everyone is asleep I can watch TV and work on puzzles.

Much suckage today. I know I took my Zoloft and Klonopin this morning, but you wouldn't know it.

Comments

( 12 thoughts — Whatcha' think? )
rexs_wife
Apr. 17th, 2006 10:23 pm (UTC)
Much suckage today. I know I took my Zoloft and Klonopin this morning, but you wouldn't know it.

Some days my medicine doesn't work for me either. I'm on Welbutrin, Effexor, and Klonopin. Sometimes there are days when it doesn't work.
semantique
Apr. 17th, 2006 10:53 pm (UTC)
*hugs* I can't say I've ever been there but it has been one of my biggest fears as I grow older. I think you are doing an amazing job. Too bad you can't get away NOW, or maybe for mother's day :)
trshtwns01
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:19 pm (UTC)
Don't I wish. August seems like a REALLY long time away. However, I'm not missing it. Even though *gasp bad parent moment here* I'm missing my kids' first day of kindergarten in order to go with you guys. :)
darkjenna
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:02 pm (UTC)
(((hugs)))

Hang in there. Just the whole caregiving process is so draining that it's no wonder you feel the way you do. Don't feel bad about having those thoughts. I did the same thing with my brother when he was at his worse. I was living with them at the time. It's not because you don't love her. It's just that you need time for you. Hang in there. Keeping you and your mom in my thoughts and prayers.
trshtwns01
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:18 pm (UTC)
Thanks, Kim. I saw you were having your own family difficulties when it comes to caregiving. Thankfully (although NOT so good in most cases), I am all my mother has, so there won't be any infighting, and she doesn't OWN anything or have any money, so it's not like I can take her for it :)
darkjenna
Apr. 17th, 2006 11:30 pm (UTC)
If it wasn't for the fact my aunt has a need to be the center of attention and is purposely starting things, I doubt it would have came down the way it did. I held my tongue for about a year and finally lashed out. Your situation is a bit different so I don't expect the same will happen. Either way, I know how you feel. So don't beat yourself up for it. :)
dawsongirl70
Apr. 18th, 2006 12:57 am (UTC)
God bless you Trish, honey. When I think I have been complaining about all the amount of stuff I have to do, I am ashamed. You are bone-tired and heart-weary. The rest of my energy I send to Texas.

and don't worry about making the wedding - we will miss you but will sned tons of pics. :)
trshtwns01
Apr. 18th, 2006 02:05 am (UTC)
Good grief - planning a wedding was exhausting too! Just happier :)

I hope you guys have a fantastic wedding, and I'll be thinking of you. I enjoy seeing the pics of the location as they get ready for you.
oddharmonic
Apr. 19th, 2006 04:00 am (UTC)
Caregiving is draining. Is there anything I can do to help?
trshtwns01
Apr. 19th, 2006 01:15 pm (UTC)
I appreciate the offer. Right now, Scott's home, so I have a little bit of backup with the kids. However, I'll keep it in mind when he's out of town for weeks at a time again (possibly in mid May to June) if there is anything I really need help with. I believe I've got your cell phone number in my phone from when you text messaged me in Addison. Is it still the same?

Thanks so much for the offer.
oddharmonic
Apr. 19th, 2006 11:57 pm (UTC)
Yep. I can e-mail you my home number (which isn't long-distance from the DFW area) too if you'd like.
trshtwns01
Apr. 20th, 2006 02:04 am (UTC)
Sure - trish at vew dot net
( 12 thoughts — Whatcha' think? )