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My Fair Psychologist

The Texas State Fair was a great time. We went around lunchtime and stopped to do some great things: The Frisbee dog show, the kids zoo, the horses, the arts and crafts booths, watched the Killdares play, hit the midway and then the rides.

On the midway, I took the boys towards games where kids were guaranteed to win something. We did the one where you tossed ping pong balls into bowls, hoping to get in a red, blue or yellow one, instead of a white one. They both won cloth covered blowup balls - one baseball and one soccer ball. Then they did the game where you throw darts at balloons. Michael did great, popping FOUR balloons with three darts. They let Matthew do about 15 darts, and he finally got one balloon. The guy game them both one small stuffed mouse, and one medium-sized bee.

Scott went up into the BIG ferris wheel and said the boys LOVED it. I used the chance to sit down and rest my back. We were a pair with my back and Scott's foot. We both carried pain killers in case we needed them *laugh*. When they were up in the ferris wheel, the boys picked out what other rides they wanted. They did the fun house, which is always a RIOT to watch four year olds do. Then they did the big slide - it's like a couple of stories tall, if not more. Finally, they did a small roller coaster, and enjoyed the HELL out of it. They were screaming and laughing! They didn't want to leave, but they were SOOOO tired. The crashed as soon as we got home.

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When I went to the psychologist this morning, we had a great talk. He talked about how we all have about six personalities in us - not Sybil or anything, just distinct personas.

- The free child - This is the part of us that enjoys things with absolute abandon
- The rebellious child - This one does not like to be told what they can't have
- The adaptive child - This part of us wants to fit in and tries to please
- The critical parent - You SHOULD do this, you MUST do that to be 'right'
- Ummm, forgot this parent one
- Adult - Just the facts, no emotions.

We decided I spend way too much time in the adaptive child persona because of my anxiety disorder, with bouts of critical parent and adult. He wanted me to 'get in touch with my inner child' *laugh* and things would be better for me. I told him that I thought it was crap to expect that someone with actual hormonal problems and an anxiety disorder could just 'make it better' by wishing it away, that if it was something I had control over I would have dealt with it years ago. He backed off and said that he didn't mean 'it was all in my mind', just that it needed to be approached from both directions. I agreed to try to listen to what I really wanted inside and enjoy my life more without always thinking of what others think or want from me. We'll see.

Towards the end of the session, he said that because my anxiety meds had always been controlled by my general practitioner (who are usually very hesistant when it comes to things like that) and because of what he termed some 'obsessive behavior' on my part, he wants to bring a psychiatrist into the picture. This will let us be more aggressive in treatment and maybe get more results. Oh, the obsessive behavior he was talking about was how 'driven' I am, taking on 400 things at a time and expecting to be PERFECT at them, my mind not being able to shut off, over-analyzing situations, pulling skin from my lips, biting the inside of my cheeks, and now hair from my legs. I just feel another meltdown coming on, and I spend nights without really sleeping, then crash for a long time, sleeping all night and napping during the day. My anxiety is ramping up again, and I just want the world to slow down so I have time to get things done AND enjoy life.

I can't be the perfect wife, mother, employee, manager, housekeeper, and friend all of the time. Welcome to my adaptive child.


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EDIT: The one I had forgotten was 'Nurturing Parent'. Also, I realized when I reread the sentence in the next to the last paragraph, about my obsessive behaviors, that it sounded like I was biting the inside of my cheek, and was now biting the hair off my legs *laugh*. No - plucking the hair on the legs with tweezers. Not my teeth :) I'm crazy, but not a contortionist.

Comments

( 9 thoughts — Whatcha' think? )
morzsa
Oct. 18th, 2005 04:54 am (UTC)
Have I told you that I think a lot higher of you than of Bush I & II and Tom Cruise combined? And even than of Clay Aiken?
trshtwns01
Oct. 18th, 2005 12:58 pm (UTC)
Ok, with the Bushes and Tom Cruise I wasn't sure of the intent. But Clay Aiken? Holy Holy!!!!! *laugh*

What brought that on? I do appreciate it, though. Thanks, D :)
farley_warley
Oct. 18th, 2005 06:21 pm (UTC)
how long have you been on anxiety meds? what made you realize you needed them? i'm having this struggle lately (whether or not to do something about my anxiety), and i just wanted to know.

also, i was just telling my boyfriend how cool of a mom you are. you're so into the boys (you know, the ones you bought collars for, lol) and cool with them, but you're also still a painkiller-poppin' mama. i don't know how that sounds, but i mean it in a really good way. i mean, i love that you're so into your mom role but also never forget about your relationship or yourself.

cheers to you--i'm raising my wine glass right now to you while also wishing i had some malady that required a prescription. damn. =)
trshtwns01
Oct. 18th, 2005 07:00 pm (UTC)
- Hmm, I think I've been on anxiety meds for about six years now. I had always been a person that couldn't take stress of any kind. A bank teller could make me cry because I was already so stressed. About six or so years ago, things got WAY worse, and I wasn't sleeping, having hallucinations (because of the fitful sleep) and having night sweats when I did sleep. I just couldn't shut down the constant worrying about EVERYTHING, so I was living life in fear of what COULD happen. I got put on Buspar (anxiety) and Deseril (anti-depressent and sleep med). The Deseril we stopped after about 6 months when my sleeping was better and we were up to a good dose on the Buspar. It made a HUGE difference. Sometimes, things go haywire and we have to up the dose temporarily, but it has made a big difference in my life.

I do want to say, if anxiety is a problem, do NOT take a purely medicinal approach. What helped me just as much as the meds was therapy to learn coping mechanisms and positive thinking. The cognitive therapy is what helps me cope in life. :)

- Cool mom? *laugh* Thanks. I try to teach my kids balance - they are the most important thing in my life, but they don't get RID of my life. As so many people say 'If momma ain't happy, ain't NOBODY happy!'

- Prescription requiring malady? Make sure you wish temporary. Chronic pain isn't something I would wish on my worst enemy, much less myself. The pain is always there, yet you only take the pain meds when it gets BAD. And sometimes, they don't help, and even when they do you are somewhat...removed from your life.
morzsa
Oct. 19th, 2005 04:16 am (UTC)
Uhm, the Bushes were the only Texans I could think of, I just saw Minority Report and I knew you actually knew how I feel about the Claiken... So I just wanted to make sure you know I admire and appreciate you!
jillions
Oct. 19th, 2005 04:48 am (UTC)
If it's any consolation, I tweezed the hair off my lower legs last week. Just sat and listened to the radio late one night and plucked away. Somehow, it's oddly cathartic. And then there's the somewhat obsessive need to try to get every single blemish/bump off my face/arms/legs/back/scalp/etc, no matter how tiny. Pick, pick, pick. Sigh. Reading about some of your anxiety issues and behaviors is making me consider whether I've been repressing a lot anxiety which exacerbates the depression problems. Ain't it all grand?

Maybe we just need to go get some SUSHI!

trshtwns01
Oct. 19th, 2005 04:53 am (UTC)
OH! We do!!! Scott's out of town until late Thursday night. Want to go tomorrow or Thursday for dinner at Sakura (the one up on 121 and Preston)? We can take the kids - they are generally well behaved there and half the time eat some of my sushi. :)

Give me a call tomorrow
jillions
Oct. 19th, 2005 05:00 am (UTC)
Hockey game Thursday night, so let's aim for Wednesday. Since I was at work until 11:30 tonight, I'll probably leave early tomorrow. Will make a concerted effort to try to remember to call. If I forget, how about I just show up between 5 and 5:30?

trshtwns01
Oct. 19th, 2005 12:54 pm (UTC)
That will work! I'll either hear from you or see you around 5 or 5:30! :)
( 9 thoughts — Whatcha' think? )